I am in no way an expert. My wife will confirm. But, with 5, 3 and 1-year old boys, I know slightly more than I did 5 years ago when I was learning about swaddles and football-holds. Here’s a compilation of thoughts I’ve had, things I’ve read and tips that would’ve been helpful to know from the beginning – written for new dads who may just want to hear that they’re not alone.
- Nothing you do will be right. Sometimes I chalk it up to dad brain, other times to unreasonable expectations. Regardless, just accept it and consider it a consolidation prize when you are so bad at some things that you don’t get asked to do them again.
- People will tell you that kids grow up so fast, but you’ll likely roll your eyes. It didn’t sink in for me until I started to quantify what “fast” really means. Let’s use Christmas as an example. Kids have no idea what’s going on the first 2 years and the average kid discovers that Santa isn’t real around age 9, so you have 7-ish holiday seasons filled with maximum joy and elf-on-the-shelf type of excitement. Putting things into this depressing perspective forces me to put down my phone and enjoy each day/activity/event as best I can.
- Monotonous things quickly become vacations. Blowing leaves and pooping are now my escape. It’s weird. This year, I received a toilet timer in my stocking so I’m afraid someone’s onto me.
- I’ve spent a lot of time analyzing which birth is the most difficult stair step (zero to one, one to two, two to three). Everyone’s favorite (no longer funny cliché) joke is to reference the transition from “man to man defense” to “zone coverage,” implying that the 3rd kid throws off the balance of your entire universe. While it definitely impacts some logistics like sitting at 4-top tables, I feel strongly that going from zero to one is the hardest. Trying to console an infant who is uncontrollably crying at 3am while you’re suffering from sleep deprivation is such a new, overwhelming experience for most. After a while, you get used to it, figure out how to deal with it and create systems/habits that make things manageable. By the time #3 arrives, #1 is largely self-sufficient and #1/#2 can entertain each other which occasionally helps.
- I have a theory: when women think about having kids, they picture themselves holding a newborn baby. When men think about having kids, they picture themselves playing catch with a 5-year-old. This disconnect along with the baby providing very little feedback during the first several months makes it difficult to connect early on. But, I can confidently say that just about every aspect of parenting has gotten better, easier and more fun with each new age and stage.
- There are several moments that make you think, “holy sh*t, I’m an adult.” The first time you cut perfect lines in your grass. Getting a 2nd refrigerator for your garage (for breast milk, not beers). Cutting the cord (umbilical, not cable). But, the one that hit me the hardest was when I looked around the pool and there were no bikinis in sight. That’s concern 1a. Concern 1b, the more concerning concern, comes when you have become so conditioned to your wife and her friends wearing scuba gear, that the next time you see a woman in a bikini, you think “I can’t believe she’s wearing that. How is that legal?”
- “Kid loops” consist of 2 to 4 places/activities that are close to each other, predictable, and will distract kids for 1-2 hours. While my wife is a pro at pushing the envelope, trying new things and saying things like “let’s take the boys to [new, trendy, overcrowded place during peak meltdown hours];” I am the opposite and rely heavily on kid loops to reduce my parental anxiety. My go-to, pre-COVID loops were (1) Toy Store plus PetSmart to check out the animals, (2) Mall playground to Disney/Lego stores followed by endlessly going up and down Dick’s escalators.
- “Spend twice as much time with them and half as much money.” – Abigail Van Buren
- The first time your kid falls, you’ll sprint towards them and hug them. Over time, you’ll learn that their reaction is based on your reaction. If you freak out, they’ll cry. If you play it cool, they may still cry but there’s a better chance of them brushing it off. The first time I saw a mom not react when her son fell, I thought she was a heartless b*. Now I get it.
- Friends may tell you to “stay above the shoulders,” but I disagree. You have to watch. It’s mind-blowing. The best way I can describe it is to picture that scene from Aladdin where Jafar and Lago are in the middle of a flat desert and all of a sudden the Cave of Wonders pops up out of nowhere, big enough for a marching band to walk through, and then abruptly closes again.
- “Don’t do anything for a child that they can do themselves.” – Maria Montessori
- Parenting, in the early years, is a physical game. For example, it’s surprising how carrying a 10 lb infant can crush your back. Parenting, in the later years, (I’m told) is a mental game. Prepare accordingly.
- Game-changing milestones in the early years:
- 2-4 months: sleep through the night (Babywise or Moms on Call FTW)
- 5-7 months: sitting up
- Enjoy this phase when they’re sitting up, but not yet mobile. It doesn’t last long.
- 6 months: eat human food
- 8-10 months: crawling
- 11-14 months: walking
- 15 months: stop referring to time in months
- 2-2.5 years: talking
- “I am successful because of my family, not in spite of them.” I don’t know who to credit this quote to, but I think about it often. I was significantly underpaid for several years. As a DINKWAD (dual income no kids with a dog), I just accepted it and chose to have a carefree, go-with-the-flow attitude. But, finding out that I was going to be a dad who needed to step up and support a family forced me to look at where I was versus where I wanted to be. This added pressure coupled with the need to be intentional with your time can work wonders for your career and personal finances.
- “She looks just like you” is the nicest thing you can say to a mom. It doesn’t matter if it’s true. Just say it.
- Eating dinner at 4:45 is the best kept secret old people have been hiding for years.
